A few months ago, I made a public appearance at a Brother’s Keepers basketball tournament. While there, I struck up a conversation with a young woman who lives in the district; I’ve known her for a while. As acquaintances do, we spoke of work and family, she asked me about my children, and I asked her about her son. To my surprise, tears welled in her eyes as she said, “I actually have two children.” Taken aback, I told her I didn’t remember that she had another child.Quietly, she told me she had recently lost her daughter, who after being born prematurely, had passed away this past spring. As you might imagine, I struggled with what to say that might offer her some sort of comfort, because clearly even though her loss occurred months ago, her grief was palpable and her emotions still raw.
Toward the end of our conversation, she said, “I always say I have two children. Even though we only had her for a few hours, we couldn’t have loved her more or miss her more deeply. She is just as much a part of our lives as my son is, and I never want to forget her.” Those words and her quiet pain left me struggling with my own composure.
The loss of an infant - whether in pregnancy or infancy - is as devastating to parents as any other loss of a child. Those of us who are parents know what it’s like to await the arrival of a new baby. We plan for the pregnancy and look forward to holding them close. We prepare a room, collect baby clothes and supplies, maybe register at the baby department of a store; perhaps a family member throws a baby shower. We fall in love with a small someone we haven't even seen yet. The baby is our dream child, and in our minds we see him or her growing, playing, talking and entering kindergarten.
Eagerly anticipating this new arrival, we’re devastated when something goes wrong, and turns one of the most joyous times in our lives into heartache. The loss is overwhelming - for the parents, extended family and for the siblings who have been looking forward to a new brother or sister. Most piercing is the anguish felt by the mother, who feels only emptiness in arms that ache to hold her lost child close.
The shock felt by the parents is often compounded by the joy of other new parents, who happily show off their new arrival to relatives and friends. Another complication they experience is that others may not acknowledge the immensity of their loss. The lost child is not nearly as real to others as it is to the grieving family. They haven't shared the parents' hopes and dreams, and they often just don't know what to say. They’re tempted to look past the grief to make themselves more comfortable.
This woman’s story and her quiet courage in sharing it, has stayed with me for weeks. I think one reason it moved me so deeply is because I know her story is not unique. Far too many families - more in our community than any other in Minneapolis - have experienced the loss of a child due to infant mortality, defined as the death of a child prior to their first birthday. According to January 2009 data from the Minnesota Department of Health, infant mortality rates among African American and American Indian babies are more than double the rate among white infants.
As troubling as that statistic is, it’s more troubling to me that statistics and data can obscure the human faces behind the data. If we only look at numbers, we lose the personal connection that will compel us to act with urgency. We need always to look past the statistics to find the human stories behind them. Because if we fail to look past the statistics, then we risk looking past the grief. When we look past the grief, we may look past the compelling reasons the status quo must change. And by missing the opportunity to make lasting change, we risk diminishing our community and losing some of our humanity.
Stairstep Foundation, with support from the Minnesota Department of Health and the University of Minnesota is conducting an environmental scan to assess infant mortality in communities of color, to determine the extent of the problem, the perception of the cause, and to gain wisdom about solutions from a community perspective.
Stairstep is recruiting individuals and family members who have experienced the loss of an infant to participate in focus groups and surveys. We need to hear your experience in order to help spare our community more of these tragic losses. For more information about how to participate, contact Helen Lockett-El at Stairstep Foundation, (612) 521-3110, or by email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
Minnesota has made some strides forward to reduce infant mortality and other health disparities in our community. But we still have far to go before the journey is complete. Clearly, we cannot afford to look past what’s right in front of us. It’s not enough to just talk about an issue, we need - no, we must - become informed, engaged, active and compassionate. This discussion will never be just about statistics, it’s about real people and real lives and deaths. It’s about economic and moral justice. And it’s about the kind of world we want to live in, and the kind of change we can create together, for our children and for our community.
Insightnews.com